…has fallen

I saw the lies in your eyes, yet still I looked away
and I said nothing at all
I never questioned the dark hours, where I slept alone in my bed
you never said that you loved me, but love is just a word
you never spoke my name
for this was lust and desire, an unquenchable fire
that burned bright in our souls but was never seen in the light
you made many empty promises and told many complicated lies
never knowing that each was fragile, translucent
and that I read you like a book
in silence I endured, even as it was tearing me apart
but I could not walk away
I harboured hopeless dreams and dark desires
I was convinced that fate would intervene
and we would eventually have and our ever after
I ached to hear you speak the words
blinded by hope (or stupidity)
I saw the brutal truth, but believed my own lies
my wishes morphed into reality, but only in my mind
I awakened in the darkest hours, tossing and turning
thoughts of you, thoughts of us, endlessly haunting me
I was becoming a shell of my former self
who was I now? even I did not know
but finally I became aware of my vulnerability
of the scars inflicted upon my heart
that were now bleeding rivers of pain, rivers of loss
coursing through my veins
and I allowed myself to drown in it all
for I knew that this was not a tragedy, not a calamity
but finally, an epiphany, my moment of truth
I loved you, you loved me not
and we both always knew that was so
our connection was consensual
you set your boundaries and I failed to set mine
you hungered for me and I hungered for you
so between us there was no overt deception
we both were implicit in our sins
in an unspoken moment we bid farewell
one last embrace, heart to heart, soul to soul
both of us with tears in our eyes
for we we knew this was our last moment together
and in the aftermath, I waited, and waited
I waited for the grief and the tears
I waited for the regrets and I waited and waited, for you
as I knew, you were waiting for me
but the bridge between us has finally fallen
I am sorry, there is no way back
there is no day, no night that you are not in my thoughts
I still find you in my dreams
I have accepted the reality, that true love manifests
in ways not easily understood
it is not always identified by the presence of light
nor flowers or promises
but can come to us cloaked in darkness
forever shapeless and unable to be held
© Ann Bagnall