…we are the hunger and the grace

Before I learned to question why, or built my walls of stone
before I called the wilderness ‘the unknown’
I walked beneath a brutal sun, with nothing but my beating heart
and a hunger I could never really feed
I knew the language of the seasons
that the ground might hide a snare
I knew that sleep was never free
and weakness had a price to pay
that every dawn was not a ‘right’
but something that I wrestled from the night
and now we wear our tailored clothes and mask our woes
and though we have turned our caves to homes
and crossed the earth with steel and chrome
there lives within us, a creature that has always stayed the same
it watches from behind our eyes, and awakens
when everything that we ever trusted, dies
when footsteps follow near, when shadows lengthen into fear
when every promise falls apart and danger pounds in the heart
it awakens when food and shelter fade
when someone takes the ground we stand on
and says the life we knew is gone
something ancient takes the wheel, the world contracts
the senses sharpen, the mind becomes a blade that darkens
the body knows, before the mind, what dangers wait for us
the beast does not debate nor plead, it does not wonder if it’s fair
that some are safe, and others live in despair
it asks one question, fierce and plain
‘What must I do to live again?’
when grief has emptied us, when every hope has failed its test
and vanished in the dead of night, when those we trusted turn away
when tomorrow looks like yesterday
the beast reminds us we are more than the sum of what has hurt us
more than the failures we conceal
more than the things we cannot heal
we are the breath that still rises, the iron will
the seed that splits the stone in two
the life that starts when life feels through
I have seen survival in the eyes of those who walk alone
the ones who rise from broken homes, who learn to stand
who learn to roam, who carry scars beneath their clothes
and bloom, where nothing gentle grows
they do not always speak of pain, they simply learn to live again
they are the stranger out of work, who stretches meals
and swallows pride and breaks in silence
they are the ones the world walks past
who build a future from the past
who find a way, to stand once more
and somewhere, deep beneath their sorrow, a voice whispers
a voice that says, ‘You are not alone’
the beast becomes a shield of bone
it makes a fortress of the soul, for it remembers every night
when no one came to make things right
it remembers every hungry day, every face that turned away
it remembers promises betrayed, the price of every hope
survival is not always standing with fists held high
sometimes survival means retreat, a quiet room, a place to sleep
a gentle voice that says, enough
sometimes the bravest thing is to let another see the scars
to let our eyes release their tears, to say, I need you
I am afraid, and not feel lesser for what we’ve said
the beast may think that this is weakness
but there is strength in letting go, in trusting what we cannot know
for we are creatures of the wild, and creatures of the reconciled
the beast is not the enemy, of all that we were meant to be
it is the pulse that keeps us moving
that tells us something waits beyond despair
we are not fragile for our fear
we are not weak for shedding tears
we are not broken by the past
we are the beating hearts that stayed alive
we are the hand that offers shelter
the voice that helps another, beneath the weight of pain
we are the hearts that turn another page
and know that life, is more than fleeing death
and when the beast comes back to call
and darkness stares through familiar eyes
we will not deny the beast is here
we will stand with it beneath the sky, and let it know
we won’t deny the hunger, that has kept us breathing
the instinct that has kept us reaching
the ancient voice that carried us through the nights
that we thought we would never move through
the world is wide, the dawn is near
we may be wild, but understand
we are more, than what we must endure
we are the wounded and the healed
the wild, the gentle, the unrevealed
and so we walk, carrying both the dark and the light
within the same unending night
the beast within will always be, it lives in every breath we take
it is the hunger, the fire, and the fight
and we are the wildness and the will
the storm that rages, standing still
we are the darkness and the dawn
the ones who break, the ones who carry on
and if the world should strip away the masks we wear
if nothing’s left to hide behind, then let the truth emerge at last
we are the beast, we are the hunger and the grace
the ancient wildness, we embrace
and what makes us truly human still, is not the absence of the beast
but the choice to shape our will
©Ann Bagnall