…playing out in rewind

Again I am alone here in the dark
still feeling your gentle touch, feather light against my skin
still hearing your quiet whispers upon the wind
still longing to see you again
my own personal tragedy, playing out in rewind
over and over and over again
but the curtains on this stage of sorrow, remain closed
for I am both the actor and the audience
this is no spotlight, there is no music and there will be no applause
just the sound of my dripping tears and my heart breaking
my soul seeks answers from you, that I know will never be given
I am languishing here in the dark depths
trying to comprehend the cold reality of this betrayal
how am I going to be ‘me’ now, instead of ‘we’?
how do I navigate the destruction, the broken pieces of ‘us’?
how do understand this situation, yesterday you were here
and today I am slowly drowning in your wake
my heart used to fill with rose petals whenever I thought of you
but now nothing remains but the thorns
it feels like the aftermath of a dark Shakespearean tragedy
there are no winners here, everyone is lost and broken
the truths and the lies are too intertwined to make sense
to provide any context to this maze of misery
that I fear I will be lost in, for the longest of times
I am well acquainted with grief
having lost loved ones, to gardens of heaven
but this loss is unbearable (in this moment)
I cannot picture a place for you there, hell (the alternative), is brutal
so perhaps it is the perfect destination for you
but to be honest, I do not care
for I have decided there will be no looking back
the future is calling to me, I feel its gentle pull
in my heart I know that when I arrive there
the roses will be blooming and the breeze will whisper my name
and things will never be the same
©Ann Bagnall