…hidden somewhere deep and dark

There are no echoes, just a thundering silence
I stand here alone on the desolate path of shadows
betrayal is a curious creature
initially it takes me down to dark depths of regret
leaves me languishing in my misery
inflicting more wounds upon my already aching soul
but the devil is in the details
hidden somewhere deep and dark
I examine the past like pieces of broken glass
holding each up to the light
as question after question arise from the dark depths
I ask myself every challenging question
that I ever whispered to my self in the night
did you ever really love me?
or were you just playing the long game
mastering how to imitate devotion?
was I cherished or just convenient?
did you choose me or was I just present?
I don’t need to ask you, for I already know the answers
I am already walking myself through the wreckage
the collapsed architecture of ‘us’
gathering all the damaged pieces of me
trying to rebuild myself, to turn my back to the past
trying to understand, how trust was what destroyed me
I am not unfamiliar with grief, I have buried the dead
I have wept at their graves and laid flowers of love
whispered goodbyes that were final in their mercy
but this devastating loss is not the same
you are not gone, you still have breath
but your place in my life is just rewritten
love now replaced with questions that you never really answer
I feel the loss and sorrows circles, but I also resent your betrayal
the contradiction is exhausting
some nights I am cloaked in my misery, others I feel nothing at all
and it is the lack of feeling that scares me the most
for it signals the arrival of indifference
and the dreadfully slow erosion of feelings
©Ann Bagnall