There are nights I can feel it
that subtle ache in my heart
that returns like clockwork
every night when I try to sleep
my mind performs its rituals
I never speak your name out loud
yet it still whispers deep inside of me
I hate how easily my heart complies
how it offers itself again and again
believing that that this time will be different
because you were always a rhythm
a set of actions so familiar
I stopped questioning what they cost me
I remember how you looked at me
as though I were a lock you had the right to open
I remember the click of certainty
when your attention fell into place
and how quickly certainty became dependence
now I look in the mirror and watch my own eyes
some marks are tides returning
and I brace for footsteps that never come
I reach for silence as if it is the only safe room
and I am learning that not every key
deserves the door that it opens
©Ann Bagnall
Annie's Poetry 