…into the abyss

I carry a weight that feels too heavy
too heavy for my heart and my soul to bear
for my ghosts are not weightless
but bound to me for eternity
I imagine they are drifting free in the afterlife
creating peace or chaos as they please
unanchored, unmoored they creep into my dreams
creating a hidden abyss, deep within my sorrow
where I willingly enter again and again and again
walking all the paths leading to nowhere
over and over and over again
until the paths finally crumble to ash
and all that remains, my fading footprints
and the black withering remnants
of the funeral flowers and my broken heart
this is the point in time, the pivotal moment
where I have reached the edge
no bridge ahead, into the abyss, it is drowning time
last night, before I reached the edge
the moon was shimmering
and silver streams of memories
were quietly whispering conspiratorially to me
dragging me down into darkness
where I found myself face to face
with a mirror without glass, yet still, it reflected all of me
who I was, who I am and who I still can be
now a choice lies before me
do I let the abyss, swallow me whole
the only sound, my breath
slowly becoming someone else’s wind
or do I use every last breath
to climb back out of this void
to become comfortable with absence
with loss, with sorrow
but especially, with memories
the precious, unbroken remains of my loss
so my shadows and I
together, one step after another
find our way back to the edge
and carry ourselves out of the abyss
on wings we never knew we had
and now, day by day
I am learning to cherish the echoes
and to wear my shadows like precious silk
I am learning that absence
does not always equate to emptiness
and that the abyss is always somebody’s home
for a moment in time
and finally, there is no bridge ahead
there never was
only the dream of one
© Ann Bagnall