…always give less than they take

I never walk on fallen leaves
for they are the children and the tears of the leaves
now lost in the darkness, far away from the light
they unknowingly obscure the paths
creating a colourful commotion
as the sunlight flickers in and out of sight
autumnal winds are shifting from whispers to hurricanes
an orchestra with no conductor
flashes of bright light between the shifting shadows
where the leaves are lost, but also, contradictorily free
a predicament that resonates with me
for the fickle winds of fate, always give less than they take
and there is no roadmap for life, no pocketbook of tips
we rise and we fall, over and over again
dreams come true and dreams are dashed
the magnitude of the madness, the uncontrolled randomness
and here I stand on solid ground, watching the cracks
zig zagging beneath my feet
and I dance at their command, I step right, I step left
a futile exercise in slow motion, as I see the cracks
becoming canyons beneath my feet
a dark, yawning emptiness, darker than any abyss
and in a brief moment of levity, I wonder if the trees and their leaves
are seeing what I can see
in and effort to escape this moment, I open and close my eyes
but the madness remains
I feel myself beginning to disassociate
becoming a stranger to myself, struggling to find my memories
I am frozen here, which to me appears to be
the very end of the world
Am I lost here? In this unfamiliar place?
Is this a dream? Am I just a figment
of my own imagination?
Do I even exist at all?
questions, endless questions
seeking answers that I know will never come
and for some reason this thought alone
sends lightning bolts of pain, coursing through my veins
burning me like flames
and my brain, my beautiful brain
is shouting to me ‘wake up! wake up!’
dreaming is one thing
but virtual self immolation borders upon insanity
and I tell myself to turn around, that I need to walk away
I need to release myself from the grip of this mirror
that I have clearly fallen into
where I cannot determine which me, is me
and which is my reflection
lost deep within myself, I turn from the darkness
and look to the light, where again I see
those fallen leaves, their bright colours
belying their imminent demise
they dance in the sunlight and they dance in the shadows
no paths to follow, no future to ponder
just joy in the present moment, for moments disappear so quickly
and I promise myself to always strive
to leave beautiful echoes in my wake
© Ann Bagnall