…of endings

Tick tock, tick tock, life is a ticking clock
every moment set in time then abandoned at the edge of a dream
forever absent from all my tomorrows
all beginnings come from endings
and all endings signal a new beginning
nothing is ever promised in the immense weight of time
shades of darkness, shades of light
and in between, shades of grey where the shadows like to play
there are vacant interludes that my mind cannot untangle
from the sibilant whispers and the conspiratorial conversations
that endlessly torment me
but I won’t confront my demons as they are circling me
for their howling alone, is almost more than I can bear
now even my own shadows have detached themselves
joining the demons as they dance
back and forth, around and around until I can no longer watch
and I force myself to look away
and start searching the night for a mere sliver of light
wishing for a gentle wind to carry me away from here
I feel as if I am standing on the very fragile edge of the truth
barely here, barely there, and beneath the surface
lie all the questions and all the answers
but they never speak my name
I whisper sweet nothings into the ethers of time
in the hope of getting a reply
but again I am abandoned, a literal, lonely orphan
my heart, already broken is now slowly crumbling
the ashes gently drifting
dust from memories, dust from dreams
and once again, life is not always what it seems
the shrouds of time obscure everything
there is no final illusion
just an endless reel of images and reflections
those sibilant whispers feel very close now
and I can feel their breath upon my skin
I am aching to fly away, to flee from all this madness
the endless intrusions and the constant reminders
of all that I have ever lost, yet in truth
I have not lost anything at all
for some things carry a greater weight in absence
than they ever did when I held them close
you came and went at your every whim
you never said where you were going
or when you would return
and I never doubted you, until the silence
the endless, troubling, silence
and the dark inky void where everything ended
like a sudden unexpected death
that in time I came to see as an unrecoverable betrayal
but somehow your distant echoes still comforted me
I now live here alone
perfecting my false facade of ‘nothing here to see’
whilst delicately balancing on the sharp edges of pain
not knowing if I will ever see you again
each day I feel closer to closure
your shadows are still lingering
but are becoming further and further away
I can feel the breath of endings
day, after day, after day
you no longer fill my empty spaces
for they are now empty beyond repair
and I now juggle the dichotomy of loving you still
and trying not to break apart
we were never just a moment in time
for time is just an illusion, a distraction from reality
what once was can never be erased
what is the new normal, will never stay unchanged
and despite everything, love is a complicated creature
still deepened by time, it never really ends
even when the last candle fails and I finally enter the darkness
I know that I will never be alone
tick tock, tick tock, death is a ticking clock
© Ann Bagnall