…I love you not

You visit me in my dreams
I kiss you and curse you
as the sky bleeds ink
I struggle with the dichotomy
the anger and the pain
the hunger to see you again
despite that I know
that all of your promises
were always bitter lies
despite that I remember
slowly dying inside

now finally I can see
the vast emptiness
the blank, black caverns
of your deception
for just an instant, I see it all
reflected in the mirrors
of your fathomless eyes
I am suddenly balancing
on the tightrope of memories
between do I love you?
or do I love you not?

I am still struggling
searching
for all the things
that I have ever lost
for they still haunt me here
circling slowly beneath
the blanket of darkness
drifting with me
into the endless depths
of my despair

I have lost the magic
I have lost the joy
but I have never lost the love
and your shadow
follows me everywhere
still whispering
sweet nothings in my ear
and I cannot find a way
to silence you

so I constantly walk
down familiar paths
hoping to find
even a brief moment
of peace
or to find it within myself
to set all of this free
to release it all
into the ethers of time

but inevitably
I cling to the past
always reaching
for those paper planes
the ones that are adrift
on soft winds
for mere seconds
before they tragically
circle down into oblivion

fate has decreed
that I can still love you
and still love you not
so I now walk
our familiar paths
always alone
yet never alone
still struggling
with the dichotomy
© Ann Bagnall