…I love you not

You visit me in my dreams
I kiss you and curse you as the sky bleeds ink
I struggle with the dichotomy
the anger and the pain, the hunger to see you again
despite that I know that all of your promises
were always bitter lies
despite that I remember, slowly dying inside
now finally I can see the vast emptiness
the blank, black caverns of your deception
for just an instant, I see it all
reflected in the mirrors of your fathomless eyes
I am suddenly balancing on the tightrope of memories
between do I love you? or do I love you not?
I am still struggling
searching for all the things that I have ever lost
for they still haunt me here
circling slowly beneath the blanket of darkness
drifting with me into the endless depths of my despair
I have lost the magic, I have lost the joy
but I have never lost the love
and your shadow still follows me everywhere
still whispering sweet nothings in my ear
and I cannot find a way to silence you
so I constantly walk down familiar paths
hoping to find even a brief moment of peace
or to find it within myself to set all of this free
to release it all into the ethers of time
but inevitably I cling to the past
always reaching for those paper planes
the ones that are adrift on soft winds for mere seconds
before they tragically circle down into oblivion
fate has decreed that I can still love you and still love you not
so I now walk our familiar paths
always alone, yet never alone
still struggling with the dichotomy
© Ann Bagnall