…returning

No words were needed
on that day I knew instinctively
that moment that you looked away too soon
a brief fragment of time, barely a second
I felt it like a lightning strike out of the darkest night
in the absence of a storm, its sting more mighty
the the sharp edge of reality shaking me to my core
and in that moment
less than a breath, less than a blink
the tides in your eyes were ebbing away
and the ocean between us grew greater with each passing day
the tides were slowly pulling us apart
the sea rolled in, wave after wave
returning across the sand, retreating again and again
and with each return and each retreat
it took away another part of us
dragging us out into deep waters
releasing us gently into the depths
where we glided from side to side like leaves falling from a tree
unaware that the depths into which we fell
would be too far, too deep
with just a whisper we were breaking apart
one piece, one leaf, at a time, in a quiet hush, slowly, no rush
no fear, just silent surrender
as the hands of time gently caressed our broken parts
and laid them to rest in a place of peace
as the sea gently sang them to sleep
now once again I find myself sifting through the ashes of us
feeling the silken powder caress my fingers as it slips away again
but not before I have breathed it in
and reignited the flames deep inside of me
the flames that lead to nothing but pain
the flames that burned our love to the ground
and left me standing alone in the charred remains
stroke by gentle stroke you once painted the oceans of my heart
and filled the rivers of my soul
carving the secrets of love into my very flesh
the memory of your touch still shakes me like thunder
and waves of feelings come crashing in
drenching me in vivid recollections
your whispers long forgotten, yet constantly returning
is this the price of loving you?
a life lived in rewind?
my ash soiled hands reaching for flowers
that ceased blooming long ago
unable to forget the scent of the rose or the wounds of the thorns
and my fingers, like my sorrowful heart are constantly bleeding
dripping into rivers carved out by my pain
mingling with tears that are falling like rain
swirling around over sharpened stones
as I try to catch every petal, every thorn
afraid to lose, even a fragment of you
my body has become a vessel of pain
and despite my despair my empty hands and my broken heart
still seek your distant soul in the depths of darkness
in the stars that sprinkle the night with the light of hope
in the turning of the seasons where things fade and die
only to be reborn anew in time
but in the end I always return to the lightless places of my soul
where traces of you remain secreted away
in the darkest corners where only I can go
places, where traces of you drift
like the fragrance of spring blossoms and the salt of the sea
where there is no line between life and death
and ashes are yet to be ashes
and where no wreaths drift on sorrowful oceans
and the past for just a moment, holds me in its arms
and I can breathe for what seems an eternity
hearts drawn upon the sand with gathered twigs
initials entwined for a brief window of time
the shells and flowers lovingly placed now captured by the sea
traces of us can no longer be found, erased so easily
© Ann Bagnall