…if you will

There are things that have no end
the unrelenting, ever present, past
things that know the silent depths
the crushing fears, the endless dialogue
and darkest corners of the mind
where the earth is wrapped in clouds
and there are places
windless, desolate, places
where snow whispers about me
within and without me
the light is blurring at the edges
the brightness of white
moving in darkness, under a sky
that has never known the stars

I find invisible meanings
in meaningless things
as a child who throws away
petals and pleasures
to later, with empty hands
desire what has been lost
yet too late, too late to matter
such awful truths these be
I have heard them calling in the night
covered my ears, yet still they enter
clouds sit among the trees
in the landscape of my mind
as day, suddenly, without warning
breaks, and the light begins
and the shadows recede

as a lost soul
I have looked for landmarks
through all of my days
above it all, and below
among the rocks and valleys
I have wandered
to now, this day come down at dawn
from the lonely heights
the end is here, finally
under breaking skies
I seek the road back, the way home
you have shown me the way
I am weary of being broken
and tired of being strong

with faint hopes,
I ask the world
to give me hunger
to give me desire
to show me again the child
who threw away good after bad
this is the lesson of life
let it find me
open-eyed and silent
able to see at last
to place the past
just memories, transparent
and insubstantial

so when the snow falls, be it a clear
wind-sheltered loveliness
with joy and wonder
bejewelled star-dust
and shimmering light
and a fragrance, a freedom
so you can love me at last if you will
© Ann Bagnall
2013 revised 2025