…if you will

There are things that have no death
the unrelenting, ever present, past
things that know the silent depths,the crushing fears
the endless dialogue and darkest corners of the mind
where the earth is wrapped in clouds
and there are places, windless, desolate, places
where snow whispers about me, within and without me
the light is blurring at the edges, the brightness of white
yet moving in the darkness, under a sky
that has never known the stars
I find invisible meanings in meaningless things
as a child who throws away petals and pleasures
to later, with empty hands, desire what has been lost
yet too late, too late to matter, such awful truths these be
I have heard them calling in the night
covered my ears and yet still they enter
clouds sit among the trees in the landscape of my mind
as day, suddenly, without warning dawns, I sway
as the light begins, as the shadows recede
as a lost soul, I have looked for landmarks
through all of my days above it all, and below
among the rocks and valleys I have wandered
to now, this day come down at dawn from the lonely heights
the end is here, finally, under breaking skies
I seek the road back, the way home, you have shown me the way
I am weary of being broken and tired of being strong
with faint hopes, I ask the world to give me hunger
to give me desire, to show me again the child
who threw away good after bad
this is the lesson of life, let it find me open-eyed and silent
able to see at last, to place the past
just memories, transparent and insubstantial
so when the snow falls, be it a clear wind-sheltered loveliness
with joy and wonder, bejewelled star-dust and shimmering light
and a fragrance, a freedom, so you can love me at last if you will
© Ann Bagnall