…the threshold I cross to find myself

I know I have lost myself 
somewhere along the way 
or perhaps I never found myself 
drifting from year to year and place to place
a misplaced wraith slipping in and out of form
directionless and nameless 
unable to connect to time and space 
or to hold on to the image of my own face
constantly feeling foreign and out of place 
where solitude and silence 
are the only destinations where I feel truly safe

I know that the night has always been the bridge 
upon which I meet myself
beneath which the noise of the day 
and the exposure to the light 
can be swept away into the corners of darkness 
where I can fall into my empty mirrors 
melt into my invisible reflections 
and feel them fill my vacant soul
these precious parts of me that no-one
not even me, will ever see

But here on this dark bridge 
as the swirling waters below fade to echoes 
carrying with them all the things 
that confound me in the form in which I drift
here alone I feel unconditional acceptance 
I feel whole in my emptiness and my difference
here where seconds and minutes are an eternity 
and the moon and the stars are my family 
I am at one with the night 
the absence of light does not worry me 
for the longer I drift here in this place 
the less I need the light 
to illuminate the things that matter
the things that that speak to my soul 
and render me whole 
in a way that the light can never do

For these parts of me that one can ever see
they are like the winds that call unseen 
from places that you have never been 
and speak of destiny and dreams 
that are yet to be conceived
planting their seeds before taking their leave
and in their wake the petals planted 
bloom in the woods of my heart
I find myself swimming untethered in the blossoming
unfazed by the dissonance of the silence 
in the presence of such beauty

Drowning myself in pools of shadows 
where the eyes of night shine bright 
alone is a place that is safe to be 
and lonely is not imposed on me 
but something I choose deliberately
here in the arms of the night 
I cast off the shell I wear in the light
now void of anything of substance
I revel in my new found nakedness 
drenched in calming waves of loneliness
filling myself with emptiness
finding myself everywhere 
fathoms deep in the release of anonymity

The night is my bridge
the threshold that I cross to find myself
where I feel the self I cannot feel in the light
now coursing through my veins
where I exist with more substance 
than my wraithlike daylight shroud 
can ever hope for
in the distance I catch sight of you
my wraithlike daylight shroud 
for a moment you appear unaware 
of your footsteps sinking into the sand 
as your formlessness fades 
and the invisible weight of the light 
pulls you back into mediocrity 

It seems you cross the bridge unknowingly
its path invisible in the light of day
and you linger for seconds as if displaced
a shudder creeps across your shoulders 
a brief moment of pain appears upon your face 
I sense you feel the absence of me
unaware that you have left me in this faraway place
unaware that I am drifting further away 
I now can no longer see you
and my reflection has faded to black

I hear a voice on the wind calling my name
but I am unreachable here in the night
where I both find myself and hide myself away

© Ann Bagnall