If You Will

There are things that have no end
the unrelenting
ever present, past
Things that know the silent depths
the crushing fears
the endless dialogue
and the darkest corners of the mind

Where the earth is wrapped in clouds
and there are places
Windless
desolate places
where snow whispers about me
within and without me

The light blurring at the edges
The brightness of white
yet moving in darkness
under a sky
that has never known the stars
I find invisible meanings
in meaningless things

Just as a child
who throws away petals
and pleasures
to later, with empty hands
desire what has been lost
Yet too late
too late to matter

Such awful truths these be
I have heard them calling
in the night
Covered my ears
and yet still they enter

Clouds sit among the trees
in the landscape of my mind
as day, suddenly
without warning
breaks
The light begins
and the shadows recede

As a lost soul
I have looked for landmarks
through all of my days
Above it all
and below
in the rocks and valleys
I have wandered
To now, this day
come down at dawn
from the lonely heights

The end is here
Finally
under breaking skies
I seek the road back, the way home
You have shown me the way
I am weary of being broken
and tired of being strong

With faint hopes
I ask the world
to give me hunger
to give me desire
to show me again
The child
who threw away
good after bad

This is the lesson of life
Let it find me
open-eyed and silent
Able to see at last
To place the past
Just memories
transparent
and insubstantial

So when the snow falls
be it a clear
wind-sheltered loveliness
with joy and wonder
bejewelled star-dust
and shimmering light
and a fragrance
a freedom

So you can love me at last
If you will

© Ann Bagnall